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lucidchick: my life, or an 18-year long episode of "punk'd!"
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my life, or an 18-year long episode of "punk'd!"
from lucidchick - Monday, August 09, 2004
accessed 1991 timesI think my birth mother still thinks I am an idiot!
She calls me out of the blue three months ago at the office. I had not heard her voice for 6 or 7 years. I haven't seen her for over a decade.
She would not give me a number where I can reach her or tell me where she is. When she asks if it's OK to call me once in a while there at my office, I point out to her that she's choosing to not give me the courtesy of having any control in the matter. Like, normally I have the numbers of people in my life so that when it is a good time I can call them. So I explain that it will depend entirely on how busy I happen to be when she reaches me. She says, "yes, I feel bad about that, that's one of the things I'm praying about and trying to see if I can change..."Come again?
She calls for the second time the other day. She must be using one of those calling cards again that show a caller ID with an area code corresponding to a random location, since the caller ID again shows a number that, when called, gets you some poor guy who probably doesn't even know of the existence of the end-time prophet (a prophet who must be prettier, better and smarter than me -- since my mother loves him better than me, and even his mistress too, just because she was (is?) his mistress). Maybe it's my fault, maybe I should periodically announce catastrophe and doom in connection with astronomical occurrences (then cancel them) and that would endear me to her.
So now that I got myself educated and employed, and I've got the pesky issue of survival covered, she announces that she wants to improve "our mother-daughter relationship." What mother-daughter relationship, I asked? It seems that's another one of the other things she is burdened about and praying about or something.
Later in the 11-minute call, my birth mother says something to the effect of "do you remember that time when I asked you if you were happy, and how such-and-such was, because you seemed to be having a hard time with so-&-so" (she did not remember any more than I did what that "such-and-such" might have been or who "so-&-so" was). "Do you remember? Cause I was asking so that I could find out if you wanted to leave, and then if you wanted to leave I would try to see how I could help you."
I think her big point that she was trying to imply was that I needn't have run away, that I did it for fun just so that then I could make The Family look bad. I went and deliberately made it so that the only person who offered to help me would then attempt to kill me all because I wanted to show The Family in a bad light (not a well-thought-out plan; query who would have taken care of that task had I failed to survive). -- When it could have been so much nicer and less traumatic for me!
She didn't go as far as to say how she would have helped me, for example, would she have helped me find a job there in that foreign country (where she did not even have one)? Would she have persuaded The Family to let me keep money from postering until I had a ticket to my country of nationality? Would she have called up her mother who had not heard from her since the 70s (as far as I know) and ask if she wanted to meet and talk to me for the first time and then let me move in with her? Cause that last one would have been my pick. Her invalid and heartbroken mother, when I did get to meet her (a venture I accomplished on my own steam after many perils) was the most loving grandmother I could have desired when she was finally given the chance. I was 19 when I met her. I was 22 when I lost her. We didn't get enough time.
Anyway, I just have a tip for my birth mother, for next time. For next time you might be in from out of town at the "Home" where your daughter is, covertly fishing for an indication from your still-enslaved child who has been degraded and raped (with the complicity of a person on the then-current "teamwork"), who was allowed (less than 2 years before escaping) to get to death's door for lack of medical attention while your associates to whom you had delegated her care terrified her with accusations of demon possession while she burned of a fever and unbearable pain and is being ground into the dust daily as you speak to her at that "Home." Because the dummy somehow never got the impression that all that was within her power to avoid!
Next time just freaking ask her "do you want to leave?" Next time just freaking tell her that it would be OK, because nobody had ever told her that before. Even if you were not going to help her, just tell her she could go if she wanted. I think she would have been relieved! Cause that was the era of Traumatic Testimonies and Victor Camps, the DTR. Oh, and that little object lesson on what happens when you express your dissatisfaction with the Prophet and life in his "Endtime Army," an installment of The Word called the "Mene Story."
Let me explain something to you, "mother." If that exchange with your daughter did take place and if she could tell you were trying to find out if she wanted to leave, your daughter most likely would have thought it was so you could send her to a Victor Camp. At that time your group was in the business of coercing its home grown slave labor to stay AND to not show unhappiness about having to stay.
Oh, also next time don't forget to tell the people who were her "shepherds," because they never got the memo either. As it happens, the afternoon/evening before she ran away they terrified her with a talk in front of their trailer, Christopher and Gloria did. When they told her she had to "open up" about what was on her heart because "it was obvious" that she was discontented she figured what the heck she'd give it a try and she dared tell them that that she was miserable, there was nothing in her life to live for anymore (one day she took, she took an honest look). They in turn said that she would not be allowed to give voice to the Devil but would have to confess her "own sins" and undergo an extended period of breaking -- while ordering her to assume a role that she did not want. But they told her she did not have a choice. They said she would have to exercise vigilance over the JETTS working in the kitchen with her and report on them (yes, the ones who would sometimes take a sip of caffeine or tentatively whisper to her about soccer or George Michael). She pleaded: I'll work harder, anything. She reasoned: if you say I'm so messed up, don't you realize I am in no shape to do that job. THEY TOLD HER SHE HAD NO CHOICE.
So the next morning she was gone.
They were working her so hard she did not know how many more "breakings" she could bounce back from to start thinking again. And seeing as how they kept refining their methods for breaking you, well.
There probably won't be a next time for you to pose the mystery question, "mother," since I count myself fortunate to have no siblings remaining in The Family. While Jesus can D.O. such mind-blowing miracles as turn into a duck, I doubt he'll have the time between being loved by all his brides and he-brides (being turned into a...nevermind) to go repair whatever damage FFing seems to have done to my birth-mother's fertility.
In the course of expressing skepticism and curiosity regarding the call, I brought up to my birth mother that I had read where she was quoted in the newspaper calling me a liar. She said "well, honey, there were things you were saying that I knew weren't that way."
So in addition to thinking I am a total idiot, she also thinks what I need in my life is people who try to persuade me that my memories are not true!
Come on, woman, read James Chancellor's book. Even your own flaky "expert" acknowledges the stuff that happened to my generation.
At that point I hung up on her and got on with my day's work.
The first time my birth mother called (late April) she said that it was one of the burdens of her heart to get to know her grandkids (not my kids so not my call) and her kids (which I guess includes me) and know what our "hopes and dreams" are.
So I say to the people who monitor this site for WS, at the behest of whom she may very well have been calling and to whom she may very well have given a report, won't you please pass this along to my birth mother. Dig up her contact info from her TRF 'cause she didn't give it to me. Tell her one of my dreams (and "to dream the impossible dream" makes a lovely song so I still indulge the refrain sometimes) is that she will acknowledge what happened to me growing up. That it happened and that it was wrong. "I have a dream" that she will stop calling me a liar.
Until then, am I really supposed to think she truly desires to "improve" a relationship with me?
Venus_fly_trap, I also went to the school of hard knocks called life as a child in a sex cult, why can't I write beautiful poetry like you? All I know how to do is rant.
reader's comments on this article
from FAKKIT!!
Thursday, May 05, 2005 - 09:12
Consider yourself lucky.
When I left at 15, all 4 of my grandparents were dead. Oh, I was a Jesus baby by the way, so no real relatives on "daddy" side. "Daddy" was disowned for joining the cult. "Mommy" inherited a debt along with a house. She rented the house to sheherds at no cost, and when they left, she sold it, and donated the funds.
"Mommy" had no siblings. I left, and had absolutely nowhere in the world to turn. I spent a while in a detention block, because I got arrested, and the police couldn't locate my parents and I was a minor, and I wasn't gonna tell anyone where to find them. I didn't know anyway. FEKK U PPL. Who needs parents? I have a scar on the back of my hand from the JACKASS that threatened to cut my hand off. I'm better off without them fucking losers and lowlifes. Just you wait. I'll track you down and find all of my siblings and I'll get them out of your fucked up custody..from xhrisl
Friday, August 20, 2004 - 01:35
Ahh, the joys of a Family upbringing---I too am well aware of the impending shift within TF’s social dynamics. Despite repeated warnings it seems that our parents having thrown their lives away, will continue to cling to the notion of the impending return of Christ within their lifetime. This is in fact their only recourse, to detract from this belief would be an admission that the lifestyle and belief system they have practiced for the last 30 years has been nothing more than an elaborate hoax. The Christian religion fosters such notions, particularly within the fundamentalist sector. As such one might well extrapolate ‘The Second Coming’ as the greatest conspiracy theory of all. Fundamentalist Christianity needs the Second Coming in much the same way that every gape-toothed redneck needs you to believe that ‘alien’s’ hold some inexplicable fascination with probing the anal cavities of Midwestern farmers.
Simply put, everyone wants to feel special and The Family met that need for our parents.
That the Family’s leadership bilked and exploited them for so many years is quite frankly something, which none of the die-hard members still affiliated with the organization are willing to admit. In fact, they would rather that the entire world came to a fiery end with the untold death of millions simply to justify their own lifestyle choices and existence. The upside to this is that they as God’s ‘special’ children will avoid aging---in much the same way as they have avoided growing up, raising their own children and paying taxes. The noted psychologist Erickson postulated seven life cycles or stages of accomplishment, the last of which he labeled ‘Generativity vs. Shame and despair’. It was in this phase of late adulthood that he stipulated an individual’s happiness in life stemmed from the perception that their life had been filled meaning and/or purpose.
What that outcome will be for our parents is a question that boggles my mind. I have already relegated myself to the notion that I, and my siblings will be responsible for our aging parents---this is fine by me. Despite the fucked up upbringing, the paranoia and the various exploitations to which so many of us were exposed to I have come to the realization that for the most part they simply did the best they could. They were ignorant, naïve, and blinded with a youthful idealism, which was exploited.
As my brother has stated, “it’ll be ok to let mom sit on the porch and watch the sunset from her rocking chair---so long as she doesn’t try to convert the neighbors.” After all it’s either that or some geriatric family home where the remaining and ageing will inevitably ban together and gum the tunes of the revolution as they seek to collect whatever small pittance they may scrounge from a society, which they seceded from long ago.
From
Friday, August 20, 2004, 10:12Actually, I think if I am going to put out any money on parents a geriatric Family Home sounds like a proper Karma. I'm not entirely joking, I think one of us could set up a business to do just that.
My parents have wounded me and my siblings so badly that it would take extraordinary actions on their part to get me to view them with the kind of acceptance you seem to express.
If my parents did the best they could, they are pretty sorry human beings. I don't see how that could be the best anybody could. I do see that the parents of some people did not seem to have done the kinds of thigs some others have, either that or they did it to someone other than their children, or they did it to another child and the sibling doesn't know or doesn't care. But some of our parents became real rotters.
from Dr.4_Shure
Thursday, August 12, 2004 - 23:42
I feel you!
from Mack
Thursday, August 12, 2004 - 19:21
That’s the typical TF BS. My mom does the same thing with the sporadic phone calls no call back number, etc. It’s the only thing they think they can control in your life now. And for a lot of them the years of lies are catching up. They see Jesus is not coming back and their false prophet is now dead. Soon they will come back to the States and collect welfare since they have no retirement, or do ballooning OR WHAT EVER SCAM THEY CONGER UP. They are so pathetic and now they are not allowing their youth to be influenced by those of us who left, I guess they don’t want them to know the truth. Its just cover up and lies like the Mormons did. Next they will try to blend into American society as they are already doing, and selling thier BS as Christian work. From
Thursday, August 12, 2004, 19:25
Do they have to have young children to get welfare in the US? From Singing Granny Wommon
Thursday, August 12, 2004, 21:14It really varies from state to state what a single parent with dependent children can get versus what an older destitute, unemployed individual can get. The US is not exactly the land of milk & honey since welfare reform went into effect back in the early 1990s. When a person applies for public assistance in the US, they will be dropped from the the Temporary Assistance to Needy Families program within 3 to 5 years, depending on the state they live in.
If there's aging-related disability involved, the individual can apply for disability income support. The amount of that income support varies from state to state. In my state, an older person with disabilities can get a great big, whopping $150 per month in public assistance through the Aged/Disabled Families program, in addition to food stamps and Medicaid.
In the Republican vision of social welfare, the general idea is "I'll take care of me and mine, and I expect you to take care of you and yours. Here's a tax cut to help you do it." A US citizen who's been off practising communism for that past 30-40 years is in for a rude awakening if they have no idea what occurred in this country a consequence of the Reagan Revolution.
from Shackled
Thursday, August 12, 2004 - 18:54"Until then, am I really supposed to think she truly desires to "improve" a relationship with me? "
That's a very good question and one that I've been askin myself concerning my own parents. IMO, they're starting to realize that TF will not care for them and they're gettin older. Who else but their children will consider helping. Our parents have always put their own religious goals first and that won't change unless they leave the cult. They don't truly care about us. It's always been about their agenda and this is just another one of their manipulations. If they want my help they're gonna have to be a true apostate and Vandari first.
From lucidchick
Thursday, August 12, 2004, 19:10"So, so you think you can tell
Heaven from Hell,
Blue skies from pain.
Can you tell a green field
From a cold steel rail?
A smile from a veil?
Do you think you can tell?
And did they get you to trade
Your heros for ghosts?
Hot ashes for trees?
Hot air for a cool breeze?
Cold comfort for change?
And did you exchange
A walk on part in the war
For a lead role in a cage?"
(Pink Floyd)
I don't think my mother can tell. She not only traded her heroes, but her children for ghosts. And the role she got in a cage was not even a lead role.
From pharmaboy
Thursday, August 12, 2004, 23:23
That song always makes me almost feel like crying. It reminds me of a good friend I lost contact with and horrible white lady comedowns. From Shackled
Thursday, August 12, 2004, 21:19
Pink Floyd, yeah baby!from frmrjoyish
Thursday, August 12, 2004 - 09:43I'm so sorry to hear about the loss of your grandmother. But I am thrilled to hear that at least one consolation to being deprived of her for most of your life is that you did eventually get to connect with her even if only for a few years.
I met my paternal grandmother a few years after leaving. It was so wonderful to feel the love and acceptance from a woman I had never met. I found out that she had actually been thinking of me and trying to find me. The few pictures my mother had sent her were well kept and displayed along with her other grandchildren. The pride I felt when I saw that was indescribable.
For the first time I felt like I mattered to a parental figure. She was the most amazing woman I ever met. Her love of life and learning inspired me to pursue a challenging education. She was an anthropologist, world traveller, and world renowed expert on Pueblo Indian tapestries and beads (not that I ever knew such a field of expertise even existed lol). At 74 she would take off and spend a few months in Raratonga, Belize, or some other exotic locale helping to furthur our knowledge of the indigenous people.
She was amazing and I will always be grateful for the chance to get to know her. She died three years after I met her but those years I got to know her and know my real family history and heritage will always be with me.
I was so happy to hear that someone else got to experience the love of a grandmother even if only for a short while. I guess everyonce in a while life does hand us cult-kids a bone.
From Singing Wommon
Thursday, August 12, 2004, 20:46(Agree/Disagree?)Send in a thousand grandmothers,
they will surely volunteer
with their ancient wisdom flowing
they will lend a loving ear.
First they’ll form a loving circle
around the wounded wing,
then contain the brutal beasts of war
sweet freedom songs they’ll sing:
A lullaby much stronger
than bombs or threats to kill,
a force unlike we’ve ever seen
they will break the murderers’ will.
To the prisons we shall send them,
most violent men will weep
when a thousand women hold them strong
and pray their souls to keep.
Let them rock the ones who steal the most
and rule with youthful charms,
so they’ll see the damage that they do
and will fall into grandma’s arms,
two thousand loving arms.
If you think these women are too soft
to face the world at hand,
then you’ve never known the power of love
and you fail to understand.
An old woman holds a powerful force
when she no longer needs to please,
she can cut your shallow life to bits
and bring you to your knees.
We must get down on our knees,
and pray for a thousand grandmothers.
Will you please come volunteer?
No longer tucked deep out of sight,
will you bring your power here?
1000 Grandmothers: music & lyrics by Holly Near
from moon beam
Thursday, August 12, 2004 - 08:31(Agree/Disagree?)Your bravory is commendable. My heart goes out to you. You deserve all your dreams to come true!
SHAME on you Zerby (Mama?? HA and HA and HA!!!!!) You dispicable creature. "You reap what you sow"
From Shackled
Thursday, August 12, 2004, 18:41(Agree/Disagree?)
She hasn't reaped far enough yet. From xolox
Monday, May 02, 2005, 08:30(Agree/Disagree?)So far Zerby & Co. have reaped a lot of undue wealth.
It's a case of; "If you're not reaping what you've sown, your probably robbing your neighbours fields" nbsp;
From moon beam
Friday, August 13, 2004, 06:08Oh boy ain't that the truth! Facts don't cease to exist just because they are ignored. I feel all inspired to give zerby some "Daily Light" as she obviously needs it.
Quotes to memorise today (For zerby et al)
"Alot of people mistake a short memory for a clear conscience"-Doug Larson
"Truth hurts, not the searching for, the running from."- John Eyberg
"Excuses are the nails that buld a house of falure."- Dom Wilder
"You have not converted a man because you have silenced him"-John Morely
"Rank does not confer privelage or give power, it imposes responsibility"-Peter Drucker
There is only misfortune in not being loved, there is misery in not loving!!
From lucidchick
Thursday, August 12, 2004, 19:01Gives a whole new meaning to "bringing in the sheaves," eh?
I want to thank all of you who have posted comments for the solidarity I feel in your words. Each comment prompts a lot of thoughts and feelings, but each time I start to write a response there's a torrent of things I want to say but I'd probably bore the heck out of you and I don't necessarily feel like having it all read by WS.
But each and every one of your words means a lot to me, so thank you.
From Singing Granny Wommon
Thursday, August 12, 2004, 20:47
Eat some breakfast today, and don't forget to playfrom neez
Thursday, August 12, 2004 - 07:50
I personaly prefer a good rant to a poem..
From neez
Thursday, August 12, 2004, 07:58I'm only down to 1 grandparent now, & I dunno what I'll do when she dies. I'm sure she'd have made 100 if my dad joining a cult soon after he recieved a scholarship hadnt knocked 20 years off her life
From SPFC
Sunday, May 01, 2005, 13:00I`ve never met any of my father side grandparents, this is a letter from my uncle when my dad asked if I could go visit him:
HECKIE,
NORA TOLD ME THAT YOU CALLED HER AND YOU WANT HER TO CALL YOU BACK. NORA IS
HESITANT TO CALL YOU BECAUSE OF THE HIGH PHONE RATES AND WE REALLY DON'T KNOW
WHAT YOU WANT. BUT IN OUT LAST ROUND OF COMMUNICATIONS YOU STATED THAT YOUT SON
WANTS TO COME TO THE U.S. TO WORK AND WE PRESUME TO STAY WITH ONE OF US. THE
PROBLEM WITH THAT IS, IS THAT YOU ARE ASKING US TO TAKE IN A TOTAL STRANGER TO
BE AROUND OUR KIDS. SORRY, BUT WE HAVE DISCUSSED THIS AT LENGTH AND WE CAN'T DO
IT.
YOU GOT INVOLVED IN YOUR CULT WHEN I WAS IN THE SIXTH GRADE AND FOR ALL
PRACTICAL PURPOSES AFTER THAT, YOU WEREN'T MY BROTHER ANY MORE. YOU CHANGED SO
MUCH. I BELIEVE YOU WERE TOTALLY BRAINWASHED. THE ONLY REASON YOU WOULD EVER
KEEP IN TOUCH OR COME HOME WAS TO COLLECT MONEY FROM MOM AND DAD. LIKE ALL
PARENTS THEY LOVED YOU SO MUCH AND ALL YOU EVER DID WAS SCREW THEM OUT OF MONEY.
THE WORST INCIDENT THAT I CAN THINK OF WAS WHEN I GOT OUT OF THE ARMY AND YOU
AND TALITA WERE LIVING IN HARLINGEN EXPECTING YOUR FIRST CHILD AND DAD GOT YOU A
JOB, AN APARTMENT, AND I AM SURE THAT HE WAS ALSO GOING TO PAY FOR THE MEDICAL
EXPENSES. ALL HE WANTED WAS TO SEE HIS FIRAT GRANDCHILD. AND YOU SCREWED HIM
OUT OF THAT. FOR NO GOOD REASON YOU LEFT. YOU HURT HIM BADLY. AND YOU TOLD
HIM THAT HE COULD SEE HIM IN HEAVAN. THAT WAS REALLY COLD BLOODED AND I WILL
NEVER FORGIVE YOU FOR THAT.
YOU DEPRIVED US OF KNOWING OUR NEICES AND NEPHEWS AND I CAN'T EVEN THINK OF
THEIR NAMES MUCH LESS KNOW WHAT THEY LOOK LIKE. SO MANY CHRISTMASES AND
BIRTHDAYS THAT WE MISSED. THERE IS JUST A BLANK SPACE WHEN I THINK OF THEM.
YOU MISSED SO MANY SIGNIFICANT EVENTS IN OUR LIVES AND FOR THE LONGEST TIME
WE THOUGHT YOU WERE DEAD. YOU MISSED OUR WEDDINGS, THE BIRTH OF OUR KIDS, THE
PASSING OF MOM, DAD AND EUNJU. THOSE ARE TIMES WHEN FAMILIES GET TOGETHER AND
YOU WEREN'T HERE.
I GUESS YOU CAN TELL I FEEL BITTERNESS TOWARDS YOU BUT I WILL STILL ANSWER
ANY EMAILS YOU SEND. YOU MADE THE CHOICE WHEN YOU JOINED THAT CRIMINAL CULT AND
NOW YOU HAVE TO REAP WHAT YOU SOW. From eliesha
Sunday, May 01, 2005, 17:34write to him, man, he missed you at family gatherings,wondered what you looked like, heartbroken that your grandpa never met you.
He's not rejecting you, he's blocking the brother that rejected all of that part of your family. he doesn't know you. Write to him, man.
"Tell her one of my dreams (and "to dream the impossible dream" makes a lovely song ... more